Knowing which bridges...

It is important indeed to make the best choices we know how at any given point on the journey.

behavior

musings

a recess and a nap

I saw this drawing at one of my blog travel destinations… I pulled out these couple of the frames you see below from the comic here.
These two frames were important to highlight right now because of all the stress and distress that exists in my world. Working so hard to be effective at work, and to maintain healthy boundaries at home. Through it all feeling so very exhausted and overwhelmed by the onslaughts of thoughtless boundary breaking and stability threatening events. And wondering “why? I am so exhausted and just not feeling well?" Probably because my inner child is screaming from within me — just hoping for a recess and a nap!!!

“Everyone needs beauty as well as bread, places to play and pray, where nature heals and give strength to body and soul alike.” – John Muir

Free Falling...

Yeh, it's kind of like this...

Or... even sort of like this...

musings  DIVE in!!

Mission of Mercy

Later this week I am traveling across country to visit my Mom. I have not seen her for years. I have been busy being a Mom and working to pay the bills. My Mom has not made any trips either. She is in her 60s, still works full time. She survives, but that is about all. After somehow making it though decades of torture at the hands of my father, all she had left in her was energy to survive. Recently I heard from my brother that my Mom has lost her will to live. So, now I hope that somehow--in addition to going to her Dr. with her--I can find a way to infuse some life into her during my few days with her.
Below is a story I read a while ago that reminded me that my mission of mercy with my Mom this week is less about doing... and more about being.

It was 77-year-old Jungian analyst and author Marion Woodman who captured my imagination with her address on “Women, Power and Soul.” 

Her questions were clear: “How do you hold presence for others? How do you hold love for others, with no agenda? Who really saw you and heard you and didn’t ask for something in return?”

Her message was compelling, and yet it paled in comparison to what I heard next.

During a stay in India, Marion became very sick with dysentery, captive in her hotel room for weeks. Finally, desperate to escape the room, she gingerly made her way to the hotel foyer one afternoon to sit and write a letter to her husband. Sitting quite near the end of a long, empty couch, she began to write.

Soon, though there were many other seats available, a very large brown woman came and squeezed between Marion and the end of the couch, so close to her that their arms were touching, so close that it made it difficult, even impossible, for Marion to write.

Marion scooted away, angry at the invasion of her space. The woman scooted closer, pushing up against her. “Every time I moved, she moved, until,” as Marion described it, “we ended up at the other end of the couch.”

Once she stopped moving away, Marion realized what a nice, big, warm arm the woman had, and so they sat, a thin bird of a pale white woman and a big brown woman, arm to arm. Not sharing a common language, they couldn’t speak, but sat in silence. Marion gave in to the broad warm arm, the presence of the other, and relaxed into her.

The next day, she went again to the hotel foyer to write. And, again, the woman came and sat touching her, next to her, silently. And the third day. And the fourth day, as Marion’s health improved.

This couch dance continued for a week. And one day, a man appeared as the two women finished their silent, warm-armed vigil.

“You’re all right now. My wife won’t come back tomorrow,” he said to Marion, nodding toward her couch compatriot. “Your wife?,” she thought to herself, startled at his intimacy. “Why is she here in the first place?”

She was unprepared for his quiet and simple answer.

“I saw you were dying and I sent her to sit with you. I knew the warmth of her body would bring you back to life,” he said.

It took a moment for the magnitude of his message and the enormity of what these two strangers had done for her to sink in.

“She did save my life,” Marion said quietly in recounting the story. “That this woman would take the time to sit with me…and, most importantly, that I could receive it…

 "That," said Marion Woodman, “is relatedness.”

That is what it means to hold presence for others.

PS- My Mom has always been a brilliant musician. I sure hope I get to hear her play the piano when I am there. When I saw her last, she did sit and play for me. When she was done with her magnificent piece of music, she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "I haven't lost it." No, Mom, you haven't.

behavior

musings

A need I can't explain

“Sometimes we feel drawn to something that seems forbidden because it feels like a way out of pain; sometimes it feels like an escape from the mundane; sometimes it feels easier than continuing to carry the burdens we bear.

And sometimes we reach a pivotal point in our lives and we don’t realize it until we’ve already turned – just a bit. Enough to turn back if we want, wrenching the gears and causing some pain; or clanging into a new experience with the inelegance of unfamiliarity.

So it’s easier to call it wrong, to feel guilty, to seek restoration to the familiar. Because the familiar is familiar, sure – but also because we are grown-ups. We made our own familiar lives. We made what we live. And we wonder if it’s stupid or impulsive or cruel or immature – or WRONG – to change.

It may feel easier to call that THING "something else" because it’s too complicated and too messy and too disrespectful to call it a drop of water in the desert; or a pinpoint of light in the darkness. This is especially true if we didn’t know we were so thirsty and in such profound darkness.

And it may be an obsession which reveals that something has subtly shifted of-course and needs to get back on track.

Just as often, because we’re grownups, it’s a sign that we’re not really who we thought we were. The things that draw us, call us, reveal us, reach deep inside us, can be endlessly surprising. That kind of vulnerability can feel debilitating when it happens just when everything was going SO well. And it can hurt like the dickens to know that even turning a little bit toward that "something" will bring agony to people we have loved forever.

But we are not two-dimensional children with a penchant for petulance and a love of candy. We are full-grown women making a pathway through life and love where none existed before.

What if there’s nothing wrong with that?”

A blogger friend of mine once shared the above amazingly eloquent narrative with me. (After the Rumi quote). It was so creative, memorable and redemptive, that I want to share it again here.

“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” (Rumi)

Get a fire going

Yes, I am a child of the 70′s. I spent many a summer night around a campfire with my guitar and my peers singing camp songs. One of the songs I remember is “Pass it on.”

“It only takes a spark to get a fire going, and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.”

I thought of that song this recently when I saw that there is one Senator in the large state of Pennsylvania who is bold enough to introduce legislation to bring full marriage equality to Pennsylvania. Senator Daylin Leach is one little spark of hope in the otherwise (mostly) equality unfriendly state of Pennsylvania. In fact, there already others who are attempting to introduce an amendment to the state constitution to ban same-sex marriage (it is currently already banned legislatively). You can listen to senator Daylin Leach in a recent debate over marriage equality for Pennsylvania.

Here is hoping that this small spark can indeed become what is needed to fuel the fires of equality in the Keystone state.

An UPDATE: on protection of PA citizens: 

“As Pennsylvania’s top enforcer of the law, Pennsylvania Attorney General, Tom Corbett should be aggressively advocating for laws that protect ALL of Pennsylvania’s citizens,” Hoeffel charged Monday, calling on Corbett to support two statehouse bills that would create equal protection for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender citizens of Pennsylvania.

HB 300, introduced by Rep. Dan Frankel (D- Allegheny County), would amend the Pennsylvania Human Relations Act to include “sexual orientation” and “gender identity or expression” as protected classes. If passed, this bill will prohibit discrimination on the bases of sexual orientation and gender identity or expression in housing, employment, and public accommodations.

HB 745, introduced by Rep. Josh Shapiro (D- Montgomery County), expands the definition of a hate crime to include crimes motivated by malicious intent toward an individual’s or group’s ancestry, mental or physical disability, sexual orientation, or gender or gender identity.

A recent poll showed that half of Pennsylvanians are in favor of marriage equality, so it's time to get a fire going for relationship recognition in Pennsylvania.

Marriage & Relationship Recognition

GLBT

same sex marriage

domestic-partnership

same-sex-relationships

lgbt

Everyone has skeletons in the closet

There seems to be a formula in life that looks something like this: “the louder a person decries the behavior of another, the greater the chances are that there are skeletons in their closet.”
When a person uses their energies to demagogue the immorality and inferiority of other people’s lives, it seems that it will eventually be inevitable that their own cracks in their armor will be glaringly brought to light.
We all have cracks in our armor. We all have skeletons in our closets. And yet, most of us at one point or another have probably felt compelled to shine the spotlight on someone else’s dark corner of the room. There is a reason someone said “people in glass houses shouldn’t  throw stones.” I am dismayed to say that in the past I have flipped on the proverbial flood light, or picked up stones during my life. Those are never our finest moments, so why do we all do it? There could be many reasons. But one could be that it is much easier to tear another down than to do the work to elevate our own thoughts and behaviors.

We are all so fragile in many ways. We are all riding the waves of our own cognitive dissonance--trying to maintain balance and not be enveloped by the pull of the undertow.
I just found a quote that ties in perfectly with this post, and I am thankful that I ran across it at my friend's blog.

"Remember that the first step is not to speak ill of others. All human beings have weaknesses and faults. They have their imperfections. Therefore, before trying to find faults in others and speaking ill of them, try to find your own weaknesses and correct those." 

Fear: friend or foe

On the surface it may seem like a good idea to have no fear. But what I am wondering today… is there a time and place for fear? I’m not talking about the unhealthy fear that paralyzes and abuses people. I am not talking about fear-mongering. The kind of fear I am wondering about is the kind of fear that keeps a child from putting his hand on the hot stove burner. The kind of fear that keeps most individuals from walking out into rush-hour traffic. The kind of fear that is the beginning of wisdom.
Wisdom? Hmm…
It seems to have been the case that during my work with young people through the years — one thing that seems to be glaringly missing is a healthy fear of any consequences. I am not that old. But I do remember when I was growing up, for the most part, young people had respect for most adults in their world and a healthy fear of consequences. This does not seem to be the case these days. I have seen good parents at their wits end wondering how to communicate to their children the importance of boundaries and consequences. Note: consequences do not equal punishment. Every action and inaction comes with both positive and negative consequences.
What is the answer? I am not sure. Because I have seen many adults attempt to instill a sense of boundaries and consequences into their young people to no avail. I guess on some level, they will eventually learn their own lessons when the negative consequences eventually outweigh the short term positive rewards. Or not! See? No easy answers.
I once heard somewhere that the only fear we are born with is the fear of falling, and all other fears are learned. If that is the case, what does that mean in the context of the apparent fact that so many individuals just seem to have no fear — regardless of how authority figures in their world may have tried to teach boundaries or healthy fear and understanding of consequences? Is this apparent “lack of fear” simply a cost/benefit analysis situation for those individuals? Is it that many see the immediate positive consequences outweighing the pending (possible) negative consequences?
Fear: friend or foe–

It is the degree of fear perceived that lends fear to this emotion and makes it frightening. You have heard of people getting paralyzed by it, but sometimes it is this very emotion which propels others to spring to action and meet deadlines.

This emotion, like a habit good or bad, can be put to constructive or destructive use. It can both facilitate and debilitate, evoke both positive and negative reactions.

I admit that I used to bristle at the thought that “fear was the beginning of wisdom” because so many people inflict fear for abusive reasons. However, on one occasion I had this concept re-framed for me. One day my partner attended church with me. She does not espouse the faith that I do, but sometimes differences can bring an unexpected clarity.
As it has been many times over the years, the concept of “fear is the beginning of wisdom” was noted in that church setting on that given day. My partner leaned over and said “Yeah, I get that. I fear that if I treat you like shit you will leave me.”
True.
So fear can be the beginning of wisdom.

Intersections

Many relationships come to a point of intersection. What happens at that point depends on many factors. One would think that as with any other intersection, all parties may want to stop and look both ways before barreling through and causing an accident. This doesn't often happen though.

At the intersection between the ending of my previous relationship and the beginning of the one I've been in for quite some time now, I thought: do I stay where things were clearly had not been moving for quite some time, or do I journey on to where I believed my heart could find a place to love and grow?

The hardest parts about being at that intersection surrounded a spouse who didn’t seem to give two hoots before — but after I sought to follow a love that promised to "give a hoot"? That is when the battle began to rage.
Was the battle one of a husband who had finally "seen the light" and was willing to do the hard things to recreate a marriage full of love, growth and autonomy? No. The battle that was waged was one of “if you don’t do what I tell you —  I will take your children from you.” This type of intersection is not solely my own. I have read this story so many times since I barely survived on so many levels as a result of the wars with my ex-husband.  

Here’s a good rule of thumb… if the person didn’t care enough while they were married to a woman to love her and make the marriage a loving and safe haven while they were lucky enough to have that woman in their life? Then chances are they aren't interested in anything other than saving pride and inflicting wounds. And the worst possible way they could seek to wound women once the relationship is over? *Attack them as mothers. *Threaten to take their children — or just as insidious? *Alienate affections of the children from their mother. 

Relationships end. That is part of life. But does it have to be a time of prolonged stealing, crashing and wounding? Or could it just be an intersection of life where two people move on — safely in differing directions. 

In a perfect world people would be able to peacefully meet back at a more healthy intersection to share the children — not divide or tear them apart. 

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right - temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.” (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Just a couple more thoughts penned by a friend:

Remember that the actions and beliefs of another person will never change your love for your children or for those around you who are true and good.
Their actions and beliefs are powerless, and will:
Never destroy your love
Never shatter your hope
Never corrode you faith
Never kill your friendship
Never suppress your memories
Never silence your courage
Never invade the soul
and can Never steal eternal life
Nor can they ever conquer your spirit.
Their actions and beliefs will however, continue to corrode their judgments and minds. 

one little gay anomaly

I have often wondered about something. Why do “good, conservative heterosexual” males seem to have only one exception to the “gay abomination” deal? Is this their one little gay anomaly?
I remember thinking how ridiculous “straight porn” was when a major component was two straight women spanking each other. Seriously? Who decided that was going to be the ticket?
So... in this American conservative society you have to be straight and married to someone of the opposite sex to be “acceptable” (normal). But if your boyfriend/husband wants to see you do it with another woman–there is your gay (bisexual, bi-curious) “get out of jail free” card? Hmm...

same-sex-relationships
gay-life

Surprise!

Do you love surprises? I used to.
Now, there are very few that I would actually welcome. There is one whammy that I absolutely do not welcome.

Why can't people spend their energy focusing on their own lives, rather than trolling around other people's lives -- seeking what else they can take from another person.
Seriously. ☑ Grow up. ☑ Move on. ☑ Go away.

Too Soft for Dobson?

UPDATE: “Focus on the Family” has admitted this week (May 24, 2011) that it is losing the battle on same-sex marriage, particularly among young people. No wonder Dobson said that F.O.T.F. is too soft for him!

As someone who grew up being burnt by adults who espoused Dobson’s fiery rhetoric, I am not at all surprised to hear that evidently he believes his organization “Focus on the Family” had gone too soft for him. I wonder how many real families out there have been hurt more than helped by Dobson through the decades. I personally know of plenty.

“Dobson’s departure from Focus only to start a similar ministry has some outside observers speculating that Dobson was forced out of Focus–and that a bitter Dobson decided to create a competing organization. Dobson, they say, may also feel that Focus’ kinder and gentler approach under CEO and president Jim Daly is not doing the trick, motivating Dobson to start a family nonprofit where fiery rhetoric is the norm.“

Well, whatever the real back story (my gut instinct has never trusted in the impetuous impulsion of Dobson). Here is a little more information on Dobson’s new venture, and then further information on the growing disharmony in the F.O.T.F. camp. From all I have seen, Dobson has ever really been a bridge builder.

religion-and-politics
gay-life
politics

Let go of what you think you know

I have had so much sadness and frustration surrounding how individuals who were once friends, allies or even family, use religion to control, damage or sever relationships. I have posted about these types of situations at various times in the past.
Recently I read something on a blog that (IMHO) gets it right. Something I wish those aforementioned friends or family would be able to really and truly internalize and live.

Quote: So what is it about? Forget the rules. Forget the religion. My faith is grounded in a relationship with a person. A person who’s an example of how to live right. … Someone who knows me – who really knows me – and who chooses to love me anyway. Someone who has the authority – and chooses to use it –  to forgive me my biggest mistakes. Someone who keeps on giving me second chances. Someone who frees me to get up, brush myself down, and try to do better next time.

The person in Jesus.

YES! I would even add “Amen!” Why is it that Christians hide behind “love…” while cracking a bat to the back of your knees with “…but, hate the sin”?
I have often commented “everything after the ‘but’ is true.”
That is exactly how it feels. It is so disingenuous to hear “I love you, oh… but I hate who you are.” Don't hide behind love to spread hate.

Beware the Gay Agenda!

I have often wondered exactly what is the gay agenda. Here is an interesting little ditty I found today... I'll let you check out the site that I found this quote on in order to determine if it is genuine --- or if it is tongue in cheek. Either way, pretty funny!

"As every Christian knows, there is only one enemy that threatens our entire civilization. And I am, of course, not talking about Satan. I'm talking about those damned homosexuals! Yes, they give otherwise dull hair radiant highlights and our imperfect décor those fabulous flourishes that elude our more predictable heterosexual sensibilities, but at what price? In exchange for a little panache, we allow homosexuals to steal our children and destroy our Christian marriages. And how do they do this? With their secret masterplan -- The Homosexual Agenda!"

What will your gay agenda be today? Share it below...
if ... you ... dare!

same-sex-relationships
gay-life
lgbt

Gay or Straight: One Leg at a Time

One of my favorite sources for humor highlighted this topic:

“Same-sex couples are virtually identical to opposite-sex couples when it comes to age, income, and child rearing according to census data released in the United States. … Just goes to show you, gay people really aren’t all that different from straight people. Except for our extrasensory abilities and ability to wither your crops by blinking, that is.”

So, if this is the case, then why do so many straight people still spend their energies spreading the angst and animosity? Seriously. Gay or straight, we all put our pants on one leg at a time.

upside-down

Why am I a lesbian?

Well, or something like that.
I have shared some of the reasons why I am a lesbian...

lesbian-life
lesbians