Knowing which bridges...

It is important indeed to make the best choices we know how at any given point on the journey.

behavior

musings

Free Falling...

Yeh, it's kind of like this...

Or... even sort of like this...

musings  DIVE in!!

Mission of Mercy

Later this week I am traveling across country to visit my Mom. I have not seen her for years. I have been busy being a Mom and working to pay the bills. My Mom has not made any trips either. She is in her 60s, still works full time. She survives, but that is about all. After somehow making it though decades of torture at the hands of my father, all she had left in her was energy to survive. Recently I heard from my brother that my Mom has lost her will to live. So, now I hope that somehow--in addition to going to her Dr. with her--I can find a way to infuse some life into her during my few days with her.
Below is a story I read a while ago that reminded me that my mission of mercy with my Mom this week is less about doing... and more about being.

It was 77-year-old Jungian analyst and author Marion Woodman who captured my imagination with her address on “Women, Power and Soul.” 

Her questions were clear: “How do you hold presence for others? How do you hold love for others, with no agenda? Who really saw you and heard you and didn’t ask for something in return?”

Her message was compelling, and yet it paled in comparison to what I heard next.

During a stay in India, Marion became very sick with dysentery, captive in her hotel room for weeks. Finally, desperate to escape the room, she gingerly made her way to the hotel foyer one afternoon to sit and write a letter to her husband. Sitting quite near the end of a long, empty couch, she began to write.

Soon, though there were many other seats available, a very large brown woman came and squeezed between Marion and the end of the couch, so close to her that their arms were touching, so close that it made it difficult, even impossible, for Marion to write.

Marion scooted away, angry at the invasion of her space. The woman scooted closer, pushing up against her. “Every time I moved, she moved, until,” as Marion described it, “we ended up at the other end of the couch.”

Once she stopped moving away, Marion realized what a nice, big, warm arm the woman had, and so they sat, a thin bird of a pale white woman and a big brown woman, arm to arm. Not sharing a common language, they couldn’t speak, but sat in silence. Marion gave in to the broad warm arm, the presence of the other, and relaxed into her.

The next day, she went again to the hotel foyer to write. And, again, the woman came and sat touching her, next to her, silently. And the third day. And the fourth day, as Marion’s health improved.

This couch dance continued for a week. And one day, a man appeared as the two women finished their silent, warm-armed vigil.

“You’re all right now. My wife won’t come back tomorrow,” he said to Marion, nodding toward her couch compatriot. “Your wife?,” she thought to herself, startled at his intimacy. “Why is she here in the first place?”

She was unprepared for his quiet and simple answer.

“I saw you were dying and I sent her to sit with you. I knew the warmth of her body would bring you back to life,” he said.

It took a moment for the magnitude of his message and the enormity of what these two strangers had done for her to sink in.

“She did save my life,” Marion said quietly in recounting the story. “That this woman would take the time to sit with me…and, most importantly, that I could receive it…

 "That," said Marion Woodman, “is relatedness.”

That is what it means to hold presence for others.

PS- My Mom has always been a brilliant musician. I sure hope I get to hear her play the piano when I am there. When I saw her last, she did sit and play for me. When she was done with her magnificent piece of music, she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "I haven't lost it." No, Mom, you haven't.

behavior

musings

A need I can't explain

“Sometimes we feel drawn to something that seems forbidden because it feels like a way out of pain; sometimes it feels like an escape from the mundane; sometimes it feels easier than continuing to carry the burdens we bear.

And sometimes we reach a pivotal point in our lives and we don’t realize it until we’ve already turned – just a bit. Enough to turn back if we want, wrenching the gears and causing some pain; or clanging into a new experience with the inelegance of unfamiliarity.

So it’s easier to call it wrong, to feel guilty, to seek restoration to the familiar. Because the familiar is familiar, sure – but also because we are grown-ups. We made our own familiar lives. We made what we live. And we wonder if it’s stupid or impulsive or cruel or immature – or WRONG – to change.

It may feel easier to call that THING "something else" because it’s too complicated and too messy and too disrespectful to call it a drop of water in the desert; or a pinpoint of light in the darkness. This is especially true if we didn’t know we were so thirsty and in such profound darkness.

And it may be an obsession which reveals that something has subtly shifted of-course and needs to get back on track.

Just as often, because we’re grownups, it’s a sign that we’re not really who we thought we were. The things that draw us, call us, reveal us, reach deep inside us, can be endlessly surprising. That kind of vulnerability can feel debilitating when it happens just when everything was going SO well. And it can hurt like the dickens to know that even turning a little bit toward that "something" will bring agony to people we have loved forever.

But we are not two-dimensional children with a penchant for petulance and a love of candy. We are full-grown women making a pathway through life and love where none existed before.

What if there’s nothing wrong with that?”

A blogger friend of mine once shared the above amazingly eloquent narrative with me. (After the Rumi quote). It was so creative, memorable and redemptive, that I want to share it again here.

“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” (Rumi)

Everyone has skeletons in the closet

There seems to be a formula in life that looks something like this: “the louder a person decries the behavior of another, the greater the chances are that there are skeletons in their closet.”
When a person uses their energies to demagogue the immorality and inferiority of other people’s lives, it seems that it will eventually be inevitable that their own cracks in their armor will be glaringly brought to light.
We all have cracks in our armor. We all have skeletons in our closets. And yet, most of us at one point or another have probably felt compelled to shine the spotlight on someone else’s dark corner of the room. There is a reason someone said “people in glass houses shouldn’t  throw stones.” I am dismayed to say that in the past I have flipped on the proverbial flood light, or picked up stones during my life. Those are never our finest moments, so why do we all do it? There could be many reasons. But one could be that it is much easier to tear another down than to do the work to elevate our own thoughts and behaviors.

We are all so fragile in many ways. We are all riding the waves of our own cognitive dissonance--trying to maintain balance and not be enveloped by the pull of the undertow.
I just found a quote that ties in perfectly with this post, and I am thankful that I ran across it at my friend's blog.

"Remember that the first step is not to speak ill of others. All human beings have weaknesses and faults. They have their imperfections. Therefore, before trying to find faults in others and speaking ill of them, try to find your own weaknesses and correct those." 

Fear: friend or foe

On the surface it may seem like a good idea to have no fear. But what I am wondering today… is there a time and place for fear? I’m not talking about the unhealthy fear that paralyzes and abuses people. I am not talking about fear-mongering. The kind of fear I am wondering about is the kind of fear that keeps a child from putting his hand on the hot stove burner. The kind of fear that keeps most individuals from walking out into rush-hour traffic. The kind of fear that is the beginning of wisdom.
Wisdom? Hmm…
It seems to have been the case that during my work with young people through the years — one thing that seems to be glaringly missing is a healthy fear of any consequences. I am not that old. But I do remember when I was growing up, for the most part, young people had respect for most adults in their world and a healthy fear of consequences. This does not seem to be the case these days. I have seen good parents at their wits end wondering how to communicate to their children the importance of boundaries and consequences. Note: consequences do not equal punishment. Every action and inaction comes with both positive and negative consequences.
What is the answer? I am not sure. Because I have seen many adults attempt to instill a sense of boundaries and consequences into their young people to no avail. I guess on some level, they will eventually learn their own lessons when the negative consequences eventually outweigh the short term positive rewards. Or not! See? No easy answers.
I once heard somewhere that the only fear we are born with is the fear of falling, and all other fears are learned. If that is the case, what does that mean in the context of the apparent fact that so many individuals just seem to have no fear — regardless of how authority figures in their world may have tried to teach boundaries or healthy fear and understanding of consequences? Is this apparent “lack of fear” simply a cost/benefit analysis situation for those individuals? Is it that many see the immediate positive consequences outweighing the pending (possible) negative consequences?
Fear: friend or foe–

It is the degree of fear perceived that lends fear to this emotion and makes it frightening. You have heard of people getting paralyzed by it, but sometimes it is this very emotion which propels others to spring to action and meet deadlines.

This emotion, like a habit good or bad, can be put to constructive or destructive use. It can both facilitate and debilitate, evoke both positive and negative reactions.

I admit that I used to bristle at the thought that “fear was the beginning of wisdom” because so many people inflict fear for abusive reasons. However, on one occasion I had this concept re-framed for me. One day my partner attended church with me. She does not espouse the faith that I do, but sometimes differences can bring an unexpected clarity.
As it has been many times over the years, the concept of “fear is the beginning of wisdom” was noted in that church setting on that given day. My partner leaned over and said “Yeah, I get that. I fear that if I treat you like shit you will leave me.”
True.
So fear can be the beginning of wisdom.

one little gay anomaly

I have often wondered about something. Why do “good, conservative heterosexual” males seem to have only one exception to the “gay abomination” deal? Is this their one little gay anomaly?
I remember thinking how ridiculous “straight porn” was when a major component was two straight women spanking each other. Seriously? Who decided that was going to be the ticket?
So... in this American conservative society you have to be straight and married to someone of the opposite sex to be “acceptable” (normal). But if your boyfriend/husband wants to see you do it with another woman–there is your gay (bisexual, bi-curious) “get out of jail free” card? Hmm...

same-sex-relationships
gay-life

Bridge Burning

For those who know the history of my blog, that has been traveling the web for about 5 years now, will understand the title of this post.
I remember one day I was looking for the perfect burning bridges song on the web. I just could not find one that I really liked. Until yesterday... The new Foo Fighters album came out...
This is not the first time I have posted a Foo Fighters song that I really love. Here is my current fav. song from the new album: Bridge Burning.

(You can click on the pic. to hear the live performance from Monday's installment of the Daily Show.)

"Your bridges are burning down
They're all coming down
It's all coming round
You're burning them down
It's all coming round
They're all coming down
Your bridges are burning now

Oh let me put you in your place
I love it when you say
Giving everything away

Tell now what's in it for me
Tell me now what's in it for me
No one's getting this for free
Tell me now what's in it for me
Whatever keeps you warm at night"

(Lyrics and song by Foo Fighters)

upside-down

Meaning behind my blog name

One of my blog buddies posted on this topic and it got me thinking about how and why I started this blog. Let me see here. It was the Fall of 2006...

One of my 3 jobs at the time was working for a non-profit (Christian) counseling center. I liked working there because it brought in a wide variety of clientele consisting of individuals who needed help, but were not finding objective professional help in the church environment. I had been working there about 6 months when the director called me into his office. Not unusual. But this time he had that foreboding look on his face. He stated that they had gotten an "anonymous tip" via email (how can an email be anonymous?). Bottom line? The email sender stated they were going to withdraw their financial support of that counseling center while they were "harboring a lesbian" (rolling my eyes). My boss then gave me the DADT line (you know, "you don't have to say anything"). But how could I keep working there and hiding who I was? So I did "tell"... and was released from my job. I couldn't believe it. This was a professional place of business who employed credentialed professionals to administer mental health services (this was not a church). And this company was actually in a city that had a well known non-discrimination ordinance. The catch? It was a non-profit company and therefore not held accountable by the law.

Sure, I still had 2 other jobs. But the experience was surprisingly disappointing. My partner noted that I should "write about it." I didn't really have a venue to write about it... until my son suggested starting a blog. Perfect. An "anonymous" outlet on the Internet to write about my experiences and feelings. Would anyone read it? Who knew. Who cared! I had a place to vent. And I did, even citing the city ordinance and discussing how ridiculous it is that the "separation of church and state" thing gives non-profit companies the right to ignore the laws of the land.

The name of my original blog at blogger? "Burning or Building Bridges in the Community." That name came directly from the motto of the company above that fired me solely due to my sexual orientation, which was "building bridges in the community." They were not building bridges in the community.

My blog was actually at blogger for about a year and a half, at which time I discovered that my blog had been unexpectedly “locked” and was viewable only by me (if I logged in). I looked into this in blogger’s help groups, and apparently, there were many other blogger authors in this limbo presently as well! Evidently, at the beginning of 2008 blogger began a crack down. (e.g.: flagging what they thought were “spam blogs”). The problem with their “crack down” is the sheer volume of blogs for blogger to scan left lots of room for error. In December ’08 I received the following from Blogger: “Since you’re an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.” Without remedy I just decided to move my blog.

I was very happy with my new blog home at WordPress from April 2008 until about January of 2010. Around that time, some trolls who "knew" me through knowing my partner, infested my blog. I discovered that my "anonymous" blog space to share and vent and write was no longer a safe space. I still wanted to be able to blog from time-to-time, and hoped that the trolls would have actually have moved on with their own sordid lives and were not still  hunting around the Internet to see what I may be writing about. (It's not like there is a First Amendment to the Constitution of America or anything that would protect my ability to freely write whatever I choose to about my life).   I then chose to make the WordPress blog "private." Those who had access could still read it, but it was necessary to close the windows to the unwelcome.

So here I am back at Blogger. My blog name changed slightly with this move to "Bridge Travels on the Journey." The original reason behind the name of my blog no longer really applied to the content, and since my Bridges blog itself had so many travels and I still wanted to share some portions of my journey -- I opted for the name modification. 


That's pretty much the story right there.  Thank you to you kind and genuine souls who are still walking the bridge with me all these years later.

A long way down

"There's a little moonlight, dancin' on the sand
There's a warm breeze blowin' by the ocean as your takin' my hand
You need to know, where I'm standin' now
That I'm right on the edge of givin' in to ya
Baby its a long way down.

If I fall, can ya let me down easy
If I leave my heart with you tonight,
Will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right
I'm barely hangin on, if I fall, can you let me down easy

The scent of your perfume, floatin in the air
Lookin like an angel, lyin on a blanket with a halo of hair
And those lips, look to good to be true
Once I taste that kiss, I know what'll happen
I'll be at the mercy of you

If I fall, can ya let me down easy
If I leave my heart with you tonight,
Will you promise me that you're gonna treat it right
I'm barely hangin' on, so if I fall, can you let me down easy

If I fall, can ya let me down easy
If I leave my heart with you tonight,
Will you promise me girl you're gonna treat it right
I'm barely hangin' on, so,if I fall, can you let me down easy
If I fall, can you let me down easy

Let me down easy babe."

You just may be a lesbian

You might be a lesbian, if… (you know, in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck.” Think this could catch on?)
…you are a woman who is watching “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” and thinking to yourself that Angelina Jolie is way cooler than Brad Pitt in any scene of the movie!
... It's not scientific or anything...

Splitting Heirs

What happens when life takes a toll on love and wedded bliss becomes tears and distance and loss and pain? What a justice of the peace may have joined together, a judge of the court may have to divide asunder.
I dare say that no two people who pledge their love and watch their love create life ever believe that their love will end one day–––and that  the life that was brought forth from two will ever need to be divided between two (or more). And yet that is what happens. The, young people, the ones who had nothing to do with the start of the love, or with the demise of the love often find themselves smack dab in the middle and torn.

Reminds me of an ancient tale. The story is told that people from surrounding nations came to hear King Solomon’s wisdom. He composed 3,000 proverbs and 1,005 songs. Although Solomon was a young king, he soon became known for his wisdom. The first and most famous incident of his discernment as a judge was when two women came to his court with a baby whom both women claimed as their own. Solomon threatened to split the baby in half. One woman was prepared to accept the decision, but the other begged the King to give the live baby to the other woman. She would rather have someone else raise her child than see her child be divided. The wise Solomon then knew the second woman was the real mother. Where are wise judges like this in our modern times?

Another very wise man once said, "no matter how amicable any dissolution may start out, they all eventually turn ugly… therefore… get everything in writing." So, I suppose splitting hairs may be wise on some level… but splitting heirs…? 

“Growing up is loosing some illusions, in order to acquire others.”
- Virginia Woolf

Even though I am an adult, day by day I am finding that I am still having to let go of illusions of what I thought my life and family would be. Heirs have been split...

The Last Word

Have you ever found yourself frustrated or aggravated because a person (or people) have sought you out to harass and besiege? I imagine I am not alone in feeling this. So often energy is spent on wondering "why" such people can't find anything better to do? Wondering "why" people have to bully others? It occurred to me the other day... I know the reason why. And what's more, I was warned.

"Your enemy roams around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

It is fairly amazing that I forgot that warning for as long as I had during the last several years. So, in essence, it is no big surprise that our enemies restlessly pace back and forth trolling for someone to devour. Now for the encouragement. The trolls in our lives do not get the last word!

"Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The adversary is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, He does."

trolls

behavior

musings

Time for recess and a nap?

I saw these artistic frames during my blog travels. These two frames seemed important to highlight right now because of all the stress and distress that has continued to be present in my world during 2010.
Working so hard to be the adult in the whole mess — to be the one to maintain healthy boundaries — to be the stable presence. And yet feeling so very exhausted by all the many onslaughts of thoughtless boundary breaking and stability threatening events. And wondering “why?” Why am I so exhausted and just plain exasperated? Probably because my inner child is screaming from within me — just hoping for a recess and a nap!
But alas, in the adult world, that doesn't happen. So, back to work!

Breaking the Code

In my 4 decades on this plant I have learned many things. One of the things I have learned is that when someone signs a letter with some variation of “Regards” what they are really trying to convey before they end their letter is: “f*ck off and f*ck you.”

Sad, but true… at least the majority of the time. Why do people hide behind benign words to thinly veil their malignant intents? Mostly because they know that the raft of sh*t their true words would reap them is not a hassle they want to deal with (or are brave enough to deal with).

What is worse than that is when people use their kind or sweet words to get what they want out of people — and then when either they do not get that they wanted — or are just “done”... you can be sure those sweet words take a hairpin curve and turn sour!

I didn’t understand it when I was a kid and heard the lessons about the tongue being the smallest member of the body but being capable of the greatest damage. I do now.

Whoever first said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was one of two things: deaf, or as yet unscathed by the double-edged sword of another’s words. Either way the physical wounds of sticks and stones heal long before the emotional wounds of misused words.

It would be nice if we lived in a world where people accepted self-responsibility and personal accountability for what the words that they put out there do to other people.

HA! I suppose I may as well be wishing for world peace, or a clean energy source apart from the fossil fuels that contaminated our Oceans in the Gulf during the summer of 2010.

What are they so afraid of?

Why are people so often afraid of things they do not understand? And furthermore, why do people lash out in anger to mask their fear of the unknown or misunderstood?

4 Letter Words

Loss
Fake
Lies
Pain
Mean
Hate
Take
Move
Wish
Gone

It's not a sunshiny day outside--or inside. In fact it is pouring!
Can one person change the world? Sure. Usually that is looked at in a positive light. Hoping one person can change the world for the better! In reality, one person can always change at least one other person's world. For better... or for worse. One person in my family's life has blustered, threatened, coerced, lied and stolen whatever they could from my family over the past decade.


I miss the days where I could cross my bridge anywhere and in any manner I wished! I miss really being able to blog about whatever I wanted--to write freely and interact with my blogging community with out the above "one person" cyber-stalking and obsessing about anything I say. In reality I do have my first amendment right to say whatever I want. However, remember, "what you say can and will be misconstrued and misused against you in the court of someone else's arrogance."

Today, I couldn't care less about that bully or what he thinks about what I choose to write about. Why can't that person move along with their own life and be grateful with whatever life that their own choices netted them--without having to strip everything they can from their ex's life (and the people in their ex's life)?

Another person's dysfunction should not infiltrate and infect my life and my expressions of my life's experience. That would be like a domestic violence offender beating the crap out of their wife and then threatening and belittling them if they open their mouth and telling anyone (and from my professional experience I can tell you that is exactly what happens in every abuse case).

Forget that! I am free. I have fought all my life too hard for that freedom! And no one can take that away from me.

Anyone who is non-judgmental, non-abusive, non-manipulative is welcome here. People don't have to agree to be able to co-exist and dialog in a civil manner. People can be assertive without being aggressive (or passive-aggressive) or abusive. Basically everyone is welcome--except that "one person" and their minions.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled blogging.