Fear: friend or foe

On the surface it may seem like a good idea to have no fear. But what I am wondering today… is there a time and place for fear? I’m not talking about the unhealthy fear that paralyzes and abuses people. I am not talking about fear-mongering. The kind of fear I am wondering about is the kind of fear that keeps a child from putting his hand on the hot stove burner. The kind of fear that keeps most individuals from walking out into rush-hour traffic. The kind of fear that is the beginning of wisdom.
Wisdom? Hmm…
It seems to have been the case that during my work with young people through the years — one thing that seems to be glaringly missing is a healthy fear of any consequences. I am not that old. But I do remember when I was growing up, for the most part, young people had respect for most adults in their world and a healthy fear of consequences. This does not seem to be the case these days. I have seen good parents at their wits end wondering how to communicate to their children the importance of boundaries and consequences. Note: consequences do not equal punishment. Every action and inaction comes with both positive and negative consequences.
What is the answer? I am not sure. Because I have seen many adults attempt to instill a sense of boundaries and consequences into their young people to no avail. I guess on some level, they will eventually learn their own lessons when the negative consequences eventually outweigh the short term positive rewards. Or not! See? No easy answers.
I once heard somewhere that the only fear we are born with is the fear of falling, and all other fears are learned. If that is the case, what does that mean in the context of the apparent fact that so many individuals just seem to have no fear — regardless of how authority figures in their world may have tried to teach boundaries or healthy fear and understanding of consequences? Is this apparent “lack of fear” simply a cost/benefit analysis situation for those individuals? Is it that many see the immediate positive consequences outweighing the pending (possible) negative consequences?
Fear: friend or foe–

It is the degree of fear perceived that lends fear to this emotion and makes it frightening. You have heard of people getting paralyzed by it, but sometimes it is this very emotion which propels others to spring to action and meet deadlines.

This emotion, like a habit good or bad, can be put to constructive or destructive use. It can both facilitate and debilitate, evoke both positive and negative reactions.

I admit that I used to bristle at the thought that “fear was the beginning of wisdom” because so many people inflict fear for abusive reasons. However, on one occasion I had this concept re-framed for me. One day my partner attended church with me. She does not espouse the faith that I do, but sometimes differences can bring an unexpected clarity.
As it has been many times over the years, the concept of “fear is the beginning of wisdom” was noted in that church setting on that given day. My partner leaned over and said “Yeah, I get that. I fear that if I treat you like shit you will leave me.”
True.
So fear can be the beginning of wisdom.

Too Soft for Dobson?

UPDATE: “Focus on the Family” has admitted this week (May 24, 2011) that it is losing the battle on same-sex marriage, particularly among young people. No wonder Dobson said that F.O.T.F. is too soft for him!

As someone who grew up being burnt by adults who espoused Dobson’s fiery rhetoric, I am not at all surprised to hear that evidently he believes his organization “Focus on the Family” had gone too soft for him. I wonder how many real families out there have been hurt more than helped by Dobson through the decades. I personally know of plenty.

“Dobson’s departure from Focus only to start a similar ministry has some outside observers speculating that Dobson was forced out of Focus–and that a bitter Dobson decided to create a competing organization. Dobson, they say, may also feel that Focus’ kinder and gentler approach under CEO and president Jim Daly is not doing the trick, motivating Dobson to start a family nonprofit where fiery rhetoric is the norm.“

Well, whatever the real back story (my gut instinct has never trusted in the impetuous impulsion of Dobson). Here is a little more information on Dobson’s new venture, and then further information on the growing disharmony in the F.O.T.F. camp. From all I have seen, Dobson has ever really been a bridge builder.

religion-and-politics
gay-life
politics

Let go of what you think you know

I have had so much sadness and frustration surrounding how individuals who were once friends, allies or even family, use religion to control, damage or sever relationships. I have posted about these types of situations at various times in the past.
Recently I read something on a blog that (IMHO) gets it right. Something I wish those aforementioned friends or family would be able to really and truly internalize and live.

Quote: So what is it about? Forget the rules. Forget the religion. My faith is grounded in a relationship with a person. A person who’s an example of how to live right. … Someone who knows me – who really knows me – and who chooses to love me anyway. Someone who has the authority – and chooses to use it –  to forgive me my biggest mistakes. Someone who keeps on giving me second chances. Someone who frees me to get up, brush myself down, and try to do better next time.

The person in Jesus.

YES! I would even add “Amen!” Why is it that Christians hide behind “love…” while cracking a bat to the back of your knees with “…but, hate the sin”?
I have often commented “everything after the ‘but’ is true.”
That is exactly how it feels. It is so disingenuous to hear “I love you, oh… but I hate who you are.” Don't hide behind love to spread hate.

Meaning behind my blog name

One of my blog buddies posted on this topic and it got me thinking about how and why I started this blog. Let me see here. It was the Fall of 2006...

One of my 3 jobs at the time was working for a non-profit (Christian) counseling center. I liked working there because it brought in a wide variety of clientele consisting of individuals who needed help, but were not finding objective professional help in the church environment. I had been working there about 6 months when the director called me into his office. Not unusual. But this time he had that foreboding look on his face. He stated that they had gotten an "anonymous tip" via email (how can an email be anonymous?). Bottom line? The email sender stated they were going to withdraw their financial support of that counseling center while they were "harboring a lesbian" (rolling my eyes). My boss then gave me the DADT line (you know, "you don't have to say anything"). But how could I keep working there and hiding who I was? So I did "tell"... and was released from my job. I couldn't believe it. This was a professional place of business who employed credentialed professionals to administer mental health services (this was not a church). And this company was actually in a city that had a well known non-discrimination ordinance. The catch? It was a non-profit company and therefore not held accountable by the law.

Sure, I still had 2 other jobs. But the experience was surprisingly disappointing. My partner noted that I should "write about it." I didn't really have a venue to write about it... until my son suggested starting a blog. Perfect. An "anonymous" outlet on the Internet to write about my experiences and feelings. Would anyone read it? Who knew. Who cared! I had a place to vent. And I did, even citing the city ordinance and discussing how ridiculous it is that the "separation of church and state" thing gives non-profit companies the right to ignore the laws of the land.

The name of my original blog at blogger? "Burning or Building Bridges in the Community." That name came directly from the motto of the company above that fired me solely due to my sexual orientation, which was "building bridges in the community." They were not building bridges in the community.

My blog was actually at blogger for about a year and a half, at which time I discovered that my blog had been unexpectedly “locked” and was viewable only by me (if I logged in). I looked into this in blogger’s help groups, and apparently, there were many other blogger authors in this limbo presently as well! Evidently, at the beginning of 2008 blogger began a crack down. (e.g.: flagging what they thought were “spam blogs”). The problem with their “crack down” is the sheer volume of blogs for blogger to scan left lots of room for error. In December ’08 I received the following from Blogger: “Since you’re an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.” Without remedy I just decided to move my blog.

I was very happy with my new blog home at WordPress from April 2008 until about January of 2010. Around that time, some trolls who "knew" me through knowing my partner, infested my blog. I discovered that my "anonymous" blog space to share and vent and write was no longer a safe space. I still wanted to be able to blog from time-to-time, and hoped that the trolls would have actually have moved on with their own sordid lives and were not still  hunting around the Internet to see what I may be writing about. (It's not like there is a First Amendment to the Constitution of America or anything that would protect my ability to freely write whatever I choose to about my life).   I then chose to make the WordPress blog "private." Those who had access could still read it, but it was necessary to close the windows to the unwelcome.

So here I am back at Blogger. My blog name changed slightly with this move to "Bridge Travels on the Journey." The original reason behind the name of my blog no longer really applied to the content, and since my Bridges blog itself had so many travels and I still wanted to share some portions of my journey -- I opted for the name modification. 


That's pretty much the story right there.  Thank you to you kind and genuine souls who are still walking the bridge with me all these years later.

Who is on your celebrity top 5 list?

You know.. your "list"... almost everyone has a list.
I'll post a pictorial essay of what my list just may look like...

lesbian-life
lesbians

Tea anyone?

The other day I was stuck in maddening traffic for quite some time. But being behind this car at one point provided me a much needed chuckle! I could read the sticker on the window clearly sitting there behind this car, but my camera phone didn't capture the clarity as much as I hoped. So you can read what the sticker said on the inset here.

Just say no?

 

same-sex-relationships

lgbt

Never enough

"Sometimes I know that it's never enough,
Survival is fine but satisfaction is rough...

Tell me where can a woman find any kind of peace...
When does the fury and the agony cease?
Oh, how long have I got to say please?"




(Click on the below pic. to hear the song the above words are taken from...)

The Last Word

Have you ever found yourself frustrated or aggravated because a person (or people) have sought you out to harass and besiege? I imagine I am not alone in feeling this. So often energy is spent on wondering "why" such people can't find anything better to do? Wondering "why" people have to bully others? It occurred to me the other day... I know the reason why. And what's more, I was warned.

"Your enemy roams around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

It is fairly amazing that I forgot that warning for as long as I had during the last several years. So, in essence, it is no big surprise that our enemies restlessly pace back and forth trolling for someone to devour. Now for the encouragement. The trolls in our lives do not get the last word!

"Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The adversary is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, He does."

trolls

behavior

musings

Time for recess and a nap?

I saw these artistic frames during my blog travels. These two frames seemed important to highlight right now because of all the stress and distress that has continued to be present in my world during 2010.
Working so hard to be the adult in the whole mess — to be the one to maintain healthy boundaries — to be the stable presence. And yet feeling so very exhausted by all the many onslaughts of thoughtless boundary breaking and stability threatening events. And wondering “why?” Why am I so exhausted and just plain exasperated? Probably because my inner child is screaming from within me — just hoping for a recess and a nap!
But alas, in the adult world, that doesn't happen. So, back to work!

Breaking the Code

In my 4 decades on this plant I have learned many things. One of the things I have learned is that when someone signs a letter with some variation of “Regards” what they are really trying to convey before they end their letter is: “f*ck off and f*ck you.”

Sad, but true… at least the majority of the time. Why do people hide behind benign words to thinly veil their malignant intents? Mostly because they know that the raft of sh*t their true words would reap them is not a hassle they want to deal with (or are brave enough to deal with).

What is worse than that is when people use their kind or sweet words to get what they want out of people — and then when either they do not get that they wanted — or are just “done”... you can be sure those sweet words take a hairpin curve and turn sour!

I didn’t understand it when I was a kid and heard the lessons about the tongue being the smallest member of the body but being capable of the greatest damage. I do now.

Whoever first said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was one of two things: deaf, or as yet unscathed by the double-edged sword of another’s words. Either way the physical wounds of sticks and stones heal long before the emotional wounds of misused words.

It would be nice if we lived in a world where people accepted self-responsibility and personal accountability for what the words that they put out there do to other people.

HA! I suppose I may as well be wishing for world peace, or a clean energy source apart from the fossil fuels that contaminated our Oceans in the Gulf during the summer of 2010.

4 Letter Words

Loss
Fake
Lies
Pain
Mean
Hate
Take
Move
Wish
Gone

It's not a sunshiny day outside--or inside. In fact it is pouring!
Can one person change the world? Sure. Usually that is looked at in a positive light. Hoping one person can change the world for the better! In reality, one person can always change at least one other person's world. For better... or for worse. One person in my family's life has blustered, threatened, coerced, lied and stolen whatever they could from my family over the past decade.


I miss the days where I could cross my bridge anywhere and in any manner I wished! I miss really being able to blog about whatever I wanted--to write freely and interact with my blogging community with out the above "one person" cyber-stalking and obsessing about anything I say. In reality I do have my first amendment right to say whatever I want. However, remember, "what you say can and will be misconstrued and misused against you in the court of someone else's arrogance."

Today, I couldn't care less about that bully or what he thinks about what I choose to write about. Why can't that person move along with their own life and be grateful with whatever life that their own choices netted them--without having to strip everything they can from their ex's life (and the people in their ex's life)?

Another person's dysfunction should not infiltrate and infect my life and my expressions of my life's experience. That would be like a domestic violence offender beating the crap out of their wife and then threatening and belittling them if they open their mouth and telling anyone (and from my professional experience I can tell you that is exactly what happens in every abuse case).

Forget that! I am free. I have fought all my life too hard for that freedom! And no one can take that away from me.

Anyone who is non-judgmental, non-abusive, non-manipulative is welcome here. People don't have to agree to be able to co-exist and dialog in a civil manner. People can be assertive without being aggressive (or passive-aggressive) or abusive. Basically everyone is welcome--except that "one person" and their minions.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled blogging.