Saturday, April 30, 2011

Why are you gay?

One afternoon I was hanging out at a BBQ with a bunch of friends. Most of them happened to be lesbians. I don't remember how the conversation started, and I don't even remember what I said. What I do remember is at one point of the ladies interjected: "nobody chooses to be gay, you're born that way." I don't think I believed that at that point. The life(style) I was raised within made sexual orientation all about a "choice" and a "lifestyle." So, what else would I have believed about my orientation?

First, some levity on the topic.
See how you do at matching up the terms with the definitions. Pretty funny stuff!  
“In our culture, it used to be that a woman was either gay or she wasn’t. Nowadays we have so many words to describe ourselves; it would take a task force of PhDs in queer vernacular of the day, or a very skilled clairvoyant to decipher them all.”
Match the following concepts with their definitions listed below.
_ born to be a lesbian
_ converted lesbian
_ lesbian by choice
_ bisexual
_ transsexual
_ fluid sexual identity
a) a former heterosexual who finally admitted her disillusionment, dumped her husband & became a lesbian
b) a woman who possesses the yet to be found lesbian gene
c) only her surgeon knows for sure
d) a woman who has experimented with both males & females before deciding on the better sex
e) a free spirit who wants her (beef) cake and Edith, Suzie, Mary and other females too.

Now, secondly... more serious discussion on the topic. 
Why am I gay?
What’s the first answer that comes to your mind?
  • I’m being tested by God to see if I’ll remain obedient and faithful.
  • I’m being tempted by the enemy who wants to destroy me.
  • I was born with a defect in my personality or a genetic flaw.
  • Something happened to me in my childhood.
  • I gave into sin because I was spiritually weak.
  • I was just born gay.
  • I’m not really gay. I only fell in love with a woman.
Depending on where you are in the reconciliation process your answer to the question might be different today than it was last week or last month, and different than it might be a year from now. (cont.)

I have thought about that simple proclamation from that friend at that BBQ off and on through the years. Is she right? I don't know.

A blogger friend over at the Unseen Disciple has written a thorough article on this whole ongoing debate over whether one chooses to be gay or is born gay.
Here is an excerpt, but there is much before and after this excerpt worth soaking in.
[...]“It is true that on some level, there is a choice to be gay. But it isn’t a choice about the state of affairs over which we have no control. We cannot deliberate over ends! A state of being is an end, so I cannot choose that state of being. What I can choose is my behavior. So I can choose to be unacceptable but authentic (or ‘congruent with myself’ as my friend has it), which I chose at 40, or I can choose to be acceptable but inauthentic. Ugly choice! But note I don’t choose the authenticity or the acceptability, but the paths or my actions that will promote one set or the other.
...We do make choices. We can’t escape making choices. To quote Sartre, we are condemned to be free—we cannot but choose. And as gays, we are forced to choose between authenticity and acceptability. But that’s speaking loosely. Being more careful with our terms, we are forced to choose between those actions which will promote authenticity and those which will promote acceptability.” [...]
Why are you gay?


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Fear: friend or foe

On the surface it may seem like a good idea to have no fear. But what I am wondering today… is there a time and place for fear? I’m not talking about the unhealthy fear that paralyzes and abuses people. I am not talking about fear-mongering. The kind of fear I am wondering about is the kind of fear that keeps a child from putting his hand on the hot stove burner. The kind of fear that keeps most individuals from walking out into rush-hour traffic. The kind of fear that is the beginning of wisdom.
Wisdom? Hmm…
It seems to have been the case that during my work with young people through the years — one thing that seems to be glaringly missing is a healthy fear of any consequences. I am not that old. But I do remember when I was growing up, for the most part, young people had respect for most adults in their world and a healthy fear of consequences. This does not seem to be the case these days. I have seen good parents at their wits end wondering how to communicate to their children the importance of boundaries and consequences. Note: consequences do not equal punishment. Every action and inaction comes with both positive and negative consequences.
What is the answer? I am not sure. Because I have seen many adults attempt to instill a sense of boundaries and consequences into their young people to no avail. I guess on some level, they will eventually learn their own lessons when the negative consequences eventually outweigh the short term positive rewards. Or not! See? No easy answers.
I once heard somewhere that the only fear we are born with is the fear of falling, and all other fears are learned. If that is the case, what does that mean in the context of the apparent fact that so many individuals just seem to have no fear — regardless of how authority figures in their world may have tried to teach boundaries or healthy fear and understanding of consequences? Is this apparent “lack of fear” simply a cost/benefit analysis situation for those individuals? Is it that many see the immediate positive consequences outweighing the pending (possible) negative consequences?
Fear: friend or foe–
It is the degree of fear perceived that lends fear to this emotion and makes it frightening. You have heard of people getting paralyzed by it, but sometimes it is this very emotion which propels others to spring to action and meet deadlines.
This emotion, like a habit good or bad, can be put to constructive or destructive use. It can both facilitate and debilitate, evoke both positive and negative reactions.
I admit that I used to bristle at the thought that “fear was the beginning of wisdom” because so many people inflict fear for abusive reasons. However, on one occasion I had this concept re-framed for me. One day my partner attended church with me. She does not espouse the faith that I do, but sometimes differences can bring an unexpected clarity.
As it has been many times over the years, the concept of “fear is the beginning of wisdom” was noted in that church setting on that given day. My partner leaned over and said “Yeah, I get that. I fear that if I treat you like shit you will leave me.”
So fear can be the beginning of wisdom.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Many relationships come to a point of intersection. What happens at that point depends on many factors. One would think that as with any other intersection, all parties may want to stop and look both ways before barreling through and causing an accident. This doesn't often happen though.
At the intersection between the ending of my previous relationship and the beginning of the one I've been in for quite some time now, I thought: do I stay where things were clearly had not been moving for quite some time, or do I journey on to where I believed my heart could find a place to love and grow?
The hardest parts about being at that intersection surrounded a spouse who didn’t seem to give two hoots before — but after I sought to follow a love that promised to "give a hoot"? That is when the battle began to rage.
Was the battle one of a husband who had finally "seen the light" and was willing to do the hard things to recreate a marriage full of love, growth and autonomy? No. The battle that was waged was one of “if you don’t do what I tell you   I will take your children from you.” This type of intersection is not solely my own. I have read this story so many times since I barely survived on so many levels as a result of the wars with my ex-husband.  
Here’s a good rule of thumb… if the person didn’t care enough while they were married to a woman to love her and make the marriage a loving and safe haven while they were lucky enough to have that woman in their life? Then chances are they aren't interested in anything other than saving pride and inflicting wounds. And the worst possible way they could seek to wound women once the relationship is over? *Attack them as mothers. *Threaten to take their children — or just as insidious? *Alienate affections of the children from their mother. 
Relationships end. That is part of life. But does it have to be a time of prolonged stealing, crashing and wounding? Or could it just be an intersection of life where two people move on safely in differing directions. 
In a perfect world people would be able to peacefully meet back at a more healthy intersection to share the children not divide or tear them apart. 
“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right - temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.” (Martin Luther King, Jr.)
Just a couple more thoughts penned by a friend:
Remember that the actions and beliefs of another person will never change your love for your children or for those around you who are true and good.
Their actions and beliefs are powerless, and will:
Never destroy your love
Never shatter your hope
Never corrode you faith
Never kill your friendship
Never suppress your memories
Never silence your courage
Never invade the soul
and can Never steal eternal life
Nor can they ever conquer your spirit.
Their actions and beliefs will however, continue to corrode their judgments and minds. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

one little gay anomaly

I have often wondered about something. Why do “good, conservative heterosexual” males seem to have only one exception to the “gay abomination” deal? Is this their one little gay anomaly?
I remember thinking how ridiculous “straight porn” was when a major component was two straight women spanking each other. Seriously? Who decided that was going to be the ticket?
So... in this American conservative society you have to be straight and married to someone of the opposite sex to be “acceptable” (normal). But if your boyfriend/husband wants to see you do it with another woman–there is your gay (bisexual, bi-curious) “get out of jail free” card? Hmm...


Sunday, April 17, 2011


Do you love surprises? I used to.
Now, there are very few that I would actually welcome. There is one whammy that I absolutely do not welcome.

Why can't people spend their energy focusing on their own lives, rather than trolling around other people's lives -- seeking what else they can take from another person.
Seriously. Grow up. Move on. Go away.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Too Soft for Dobson?

UPDATE: “Focus on the Family” has admitted this week (May 24, 2011) that it is losing the battle on same-sex marriage, particularly among young people. No wonder Dobson said that F.O.T.F. is too soft for him!

As someone who grew up being burnt by adults who espoused Dobson’s fiery rhetoric, I am not at all surprised to hear that evidently he believes his organization “Focus on the Family” had gone too soft for him. I wonder how many real families out there have been hurt more than helped by Dobson through the decades. I personally know of plenty.
“Dobson’s departure from Focus only to start a similar ministry has some outside observers speculating that Dobson was forced out of Focus–and that a bitter Dobson decided to create a competing organization. Dobson, they say, may also feel that Focus’ kinder and gentler approach under CEO and president Jim Daly is not doing the trick, motivating Dobson to start a family nonprofit where fiery rhetoric is the norm.
Well, whatever the real back story (my gut instinct has never trusted in the impetuous impulsion of Dobson). Here is a little more information on Dobson’s new venture, and then further information on the growing disharmony in the F.O.T.F. camp. From all I have seen, Dobson has ever really been a bridge builder.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bridge Burning

For those who know the history of my blog, that has been traveling the web for about 5 years now, will understand the title of this post.
I remember one day I was looking for the perfect burning bridges song on the web. I just could not find one that I really liked. Until yesterday... The new Foo Fighters album came out...
This is not the first time I have posted a Foo Fighters song that I really love. Here is my current fav. song from the new album: Bridge Burning.
(You can click on the pic. to hear the live performance from Monday's installment of the Daily Show.)
"Your bridges are burning down
They're all coming down
It's all coming round
You're burning them down
It's all coming round
They're all coming down
Your bridges are burning now

Oh let me put you in your place
I love it when you say
Giving everything away

Tell now what's in it for me
Tell me now what's in it for me
No one's getting this for free
Tell me now what's in it for me
Whatever keeps you warm at night"
(Lyrics and song by Foo Fighters)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Let go of what you think you know

I have had so much sadness and frustration surrounding how individuals who were once friends, allies or even family, use religion to control, damage or sever relationships. I have posted about these types of situations at various times in the past.
Recently I read something on a blog that (IMHO) gets it right. Something I wish those aforementioned friends or family would be able to really and truly internalize and live.
Quote: So what is it about? Forget the rules. Forget the religion. My faith is grounded in a relationship with a person. A person who’s an example of how to live right. … Someone who knows me – who really knows me – and who chooses to love me anyway. Someone who has the authority – and chooses to use it –  to forgive me my biggest mistakes. Someone who keeps on giving me second chances. Someone who frees me to get up, brush myself down, and try to do better next time.
The person in Jesus.
YES! I would even add “Amen!” Why is it that Christians hide behind “love…” while cracking a bat to the back of your knees with “…but, hate the sin”?
I have often commented “everything after the ‘but’ is true.”
That is exactly how it feels. It is so disingenuous to hear “I love you, oh… but I hate who you are.” Don't hide behind love to spread hate.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Beware the Gay Agenda!

I have often wondered exactly what is the gay agenda. Here is an interesting little ditty I found today... I'll let you check out the site that I found this quote on in order to determine if it is genuine --- or if it is tongue in cheek. Either way, pretty funny!

"As every Christian knows, there is only one enemy that threatens our entire civilization. And I am, of course, not talking about Satan. I'm talking about those damned homosexuals! Yes, they give otherwise dull hair radiant highlights and our imperfect décor those fabulous flourishes that elude our more predictable heterosexual sensibilities, but at what price? In exchange for a little panache, we allow homosexuals to steal our children and destroy our Christian marriages. And how do they do this? With their secret masterplan -- The Homosexual Agenda!"

What will your gay agenda be today? Share it below...
if ... you ... dare! ;)