Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Fear: friend or foe

On the surface it may seem like a good idea to have no fear. But what I am wondering today… is there a time and place for fear? I’m not talking about the unhealthy fear that paralyzes and abuses people. I am not talking about fear-mongering. The kind of fear I am wondering about is the kind of fear that keeps a child from putting his hand on the hot stove burner. The kind of fear that keeps most individuals from walking out into rush-hour traffic. The kind of fear that is the beginning of wisdom.
Wisdom? Hmm…
It seems to have been the case that during my work with young people through the years — one thing that seems to be glaringly missing is a healthy fear of any consequences. I am not that old. But I do remember when I was growing up, for the most part, young people had respect for most adults in their world and a healthy fear of consequences. This does not seem to be the case these days. I have seen good parents at their wits end wondering how to communicate to their children the importance of boundaries and consequences. Note: consequences do not equal punishment. Every action and inaction comes with both positive and negative consequences.
What is the answer? I am not sure. Because I have seen many adults attempt to instill a sense of boundaries and consequences into their young people to no avail. I guess on some level, they will eventually learn their own lessons when the negative consequences eventually outweigh the short term positive rewards. Or not! See? No easy answers.
I once heard somewhere that the only fear we are born with is the fear of falling, and all other fears are learned. If that is the case, what does that mean in the context of the apparent fact that so many individuals just seem to have no fear — regardless of how authority figures in their world may have tried to teach boundaries or healthy fear and understanding of consequences? Is this apparent “lack of fear” simply a cost/benefit analysis situation for those individuals? Is it that many see the immediate positive consequences outweighing the pending (possible) negative consequences?
Fear: friend or foe–
It is the degree of fear perceived that lends fear to this emotion and makes it frightening. You have heard of people getting paralyzed by it, but sometimes it is this very emotion which propels others to spring to action and meet deadlines.
This emotion, like a habit good or bad, can be put to constructive or destructive use. It can both facilitate and debilitate, evoke both positive and negative reactions.
I admit that I used to bristle at the thought that “fear was the beginning of wisdom” because so many people inflict fear for abusive reasons. However, on one occasion I had this concept re-framed for me. One day my partner attended church with me. She does not espouse the faith that I do, but sometimes differences can bring an unexpected clarity.
As it has been many times over the years, the concept of “fear is the beginning of wisdom” was noted in that church setting on that given day. My partner leaned over and said “Yeah, I get that. I fear that if I treat you like shit you will leave me.”
True.
So fear can be the beginning of wisdom.

4 comments:

  1. OK, so, if she's been abusive in the past, I get that fear. It's a sign, then, of self-awareness and the simple realization that she will be alone if she behaves abusively toward you.

    But if she's treating you well out of fear of abandonment, I think that's really sad. I mean, I get that, I understand that fear, but I don't think it's the beginning of wisdom. Not unless it leads us to some inner clarity about our own intrinsic worth with or without another person.

    For me, that's a lifelong journey.

    I speak as another who lives with the fear that I'll behave like shit and be left - and all the therapy I've been through to come to even a glimmering of a smidgen of a piece of an understanding that really, at the end of the day, there's probably nothing wrong with how I treat people.

    I do hope you are well treated in your relationship. I also hope that good treatment comes, at least in part, from some place other than fear of being left. 'Cause....ouch....

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  2. I am often fascinated by what folks take away from reading a post. While your comment is a wise and thoughtful one, it doesn't reflect the intent of the main message I was trying to convey. But then I realize that communication is really not what we say, but what others hear.
    I believe that abuse is never "okay" -- even if it is "only occasionally." Doesn't mean that many of us are not occasionally treated badly -- that is never cool!
    That last paragraph was more by way of illustration... something of an "ah ha!" moment. HOWEVER, I have definitely learned through the years that LOVE is a much more powerful (and healthier) motivator than fear.

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  3. Ah yes - I guess I misunderstood the post. I suspect my personal history plays into that... fear has been a primary driving force in my life, and I can honestly say it has brought me no wisdom, but has instead crippled my perspective, limited my options, and brought on the kind of ill health I wouldn't have expected to see until my 70s, if ever.

    Love, on the other hand, brings healing and freedom.

    However, I am able to cognitively grasp that you're talking about something else when you use the word fear. Perhaps I might use the term clarity, but it sounds like you're describing that moment when you realize that you're at a turning point, and the choices you make are going to affect your life in profound ways. Some of us have better skills at sensing the routes to safety and freedom - and wisdom. Others learn the hard way or struggle to learn at all...

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  4. Good to read your further thoughts on this... And sister, I gotta tell ya... I must be the head of the fan club of nearly always having to learn the hard way. Why is this such a part of the human condition?

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